In todays society exercise is promoted as being an essential part of our lives and to some extent it is definitely important. The government recommends that adults participate in 30 minutes of exercise 5 times a week in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle. However the media have magnified this and everywhere we look there are now tips on how to be more active or lists of 101 exercises to do in order to achieve the ‘perfect’ body, which in English culture is often portrayed as being slim and toned. In addition to this, due to the fact that 60% of the population are obese we are surrounded by ways to use exercise to loose weight. Often the reasons why people should exercise, aside from weight loss, are not highlighted.

        When exercise becomes driven by eating disordered thoughts it can be a serious problem. Some eating disorder sufferers will use exercise as a way to purge their bodies of calories, whilst others may use it as a punishment for themselves or as a way to cope with challenging emotions. Ideas about exercising to be ‘in control’ and ‘strong’ will often help fuel this obsession and their lives can become dominated by it. My personal journey with anorexia has been greatly influenced by an obsession with exercise. Exercise went from being something that I did because it was fun and ‘healthy’ to something that I HAD to do. Dietary rules became my life and I could not even have a day off for my birthday. The eating disorder took the control from me and I can now see the amount of power it had. Often participating in exercise would be a way to dictate and then justify what I ate. As I was entering the dark spiral of anorexia I became increasingly competitive against myself and perfectionist tendencies meant that if I did not do better, I would feel like a failure. When others would question the frequency or intensity of my workouts I would defend my actions by saying it was me being ‘healthy’.

        When I began to contemplate recovery and I accepted how ill my compulsive exercise was making me, I agreed to stop. Recently, with the help of health care professionals and support of my family, I have tried to introduce cycling back into my life. It has taken me a long time to realise what constitutes as ‘healthy’ activity and I have had a few slip ups along the way. In the past few months, however, I have been able to begin to not only recognise my disordered thoughts but also challenge and therefore act against them. I now try to not use unhelpful coping mechanisms when I have a strong emotion, but instead use other skills to accept, sit with and, where appropriate, challenge how I feel. For example writing down exactly what’s in my head or saying ‘This feeling won’t last forever!’ Before I exercise I now always ask myself ‘Do I actually WANT to do this?’ I have begun to realise that life is so much more fun and manageable when I make decisions for me and not for my eating disorder. No one else can make me do anything, it has to be my choice but I have to be strong enough to do what’s best for me.

        In addition, recovery has become something that I am doing for myself and through the amazing support of Hampshire’s mental health services, in particular DSP, I have been able to uncover the reasons behind my eating disorder, layer by layer, and begin to let it go. There are so many things that my eating disorder gave me; numbness, identity and protection to name a few. But equally there are so many things it stole from me. It took my health, it took my life and control, and it hurt my family. I can now see that being ‘strong’ and ‘in control’ wasn’t about starving my body and over exercising, it was about looking anorexia in the face and saying back off! We only have one life and I am determined to grab mine with both hands and live it too the full.

I am no longer fat. I am not weak, useless or disgusting. I am me and I am proud to say I am beautiful!