It could be argued that a large proportion of the population perhaps place too much emphasis on their weight when it comes to thinking about what makes them who they are. It is estimated that about 1 in 4 adults in Britain are trying to loose weight and I think it is sad that we have reached a stage where we are so obsessed with weight loss. For some of these people, this fixation on weight is taken too an extreme where it becomes driven by an eating disorder. As my anorexia developed, my weight went from being a number that just described a small part of my physical self, to being something that defined me as a person. This number became something that, in my mind, made up a huge part of my identity. It was a way to determine whether I was good or bad, weak or strong, in control or out of control. I believed these things so strongly that I could physically feel it, right down to my core. This number was one of the many ways that my eating disorder controlled my life.

        Having said this, a common myth about eating disorders is that they are solely about shape, weight and food. Nothing could be further from the truth. Eating disorders are like parasites that attach themselves to people’s lives. They take a long time to develop and a long time to leave. They are so deep rooted that the sufferer may never fully understand their own eating disorder. I cannot emphasise enough the fact that eating disorders are not a ‘lifestyle choice’ or a ‘diet gone wrong’ and they certainly aren’t just about a desire to look good. They are an illness that needs specialised treatment.  I know that, for me, although my body image has definitely impacted on my anorexia, it was more to do with how my feelings about my weight and shape were connected to my core beliefs.
        Every eating disorder is different and the reason why a person may develop an eating disorder will vary. I regularly read apparent insightful explanations of eating disorders that claim all sufferers just want to be thin. This is an incredibly simplistic view and even if someone did feel the need to control his or her food in order to be thin, this desire is not to be taken at face value. Just that simple statement, ‘I want to be thin’, has several layers behind it. Why do they want to be thin? Is it because they strive for supposed perfection or because they feel like just being them isn’t good enough? Is it because they feel that this is a way to succeed at something or that they need a way to communicate what’s going on inside their head?
        In addition, for many eating disorder sufferers shape and weight may start off as just being a consequence of controlling their food; which in itself may not have been a conscious decision. It can take years of therapy for someone to untangle their eating disorder and get to the centre of why it developed. I know that it took a lot of hard work for me to work out why I had feelings of failure, guilt and weakness when I didn’t listen to my anorexia and why my anxiety skyrocketed when I even contemplated breaking one of my dietary rules. Even when I identified some thoughts that were attached to those emotions, it was many therapy sessions later that I began to discover why I felt the need to control my food, weight and shape. 
        The same principle applies to someone who uses food as a comfort. People who eat as a way to manage emotions will most likely have a thousand and one things going on for them, which is why they use food to cope with life. I have mentioned only a few possibilities of the reasons why a person may develop an eating disorder, there are plenty more which will be not only diverse but complex as well.
         One of the key steps I took in my recovery was allowing myself to relax some of the control over my weight. So what if the scales go up? I am more than just a number and I will not allow a piece of machinery to dictate my life! I will not judge myself by the same standards my eating disorder uses and I certainly will not let some illness prevent me from being the person I want to be. Breaking the chains that I tied myself up with by living my life by my anorexia’s rules has been one of the best decisions I have ever made. I am free. I am happy. I am ME!